


Prize

by odditycollector



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-03-02
Updated: 2011-03-02
Packaged: 2017-10-16 01:20:48
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,584
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/166912
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/odditycollector/pseuds/odditycollector
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>For the prompt: In which the real reason everything is fucked is because John is evil. We're talking pure fucking evil here, makes Jack Noir look like a girl scout, made all the more potent by the fact that John was a really nice guy up until the point where he literally tore someone into pieces.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Prize

**Author's Note:**

  * For [fukkengodly](https://archiveofourown.org/gifts?recipient=fukkengodly).



> Content warning for ableist language.

carcinoGeneticist [CG] began trolling  ectoBiologist [EB]

CG: JOHN.  
CG: WHAT THE HELL  
EB: hey, karkat!  
CG: WHAT THE HELL DID YOU JUST DO.  
EB: oh, right.... i forgot about the viewport.  
EB: i was going to talk to you about this later!  
EB: i didn't really get it at first,  
EB: but i was thinking about what you said, and i decided that you were right!  
CG: WHAT THE FUCK DID I SAY.  
CG: WAS IT, HEY JOHN, YOU KNOW WHAT WE'VE BEEN MISSING AROUND HERE?  
CG: ASSHOLES LOSING THEIR SHIT AND GOING ON MURDER SPREES  
CG: DO YOU THINK THAT YOU CAN HELP ME WITH THIS PROBLEM.  
CG: OH MY GOD.  
EB: noooooo.....  
EB: it was the last conversation we had before meeting up.  
EB: or i guess the first one, for you.  
EB: about being tyrants, remember?  
EB: you were going to be gods, and have an entire universe as your plaything.  
EB: that does sound pretty sweet!  
CG: OH MAN  
CG: OH GOD  
CG: WHY IS PAST ME SUCH A GRUBFUCKING IDIOT.  
CG: IF I EVER MEET HIM I AM GOING TO SHOVE MY SICKLE THROUGH HIS BRAIN SPONGE.  
EB: karkat! i think you need to stop being so hard on yourself.  
EB: you're a pretty great guy!  
CG: NO  
CG: NO NO NO NO  
CG: I DON'T WANT TO HEAR THIS FROM YOU.  
EB: oh. because you still haaate me?  
CG: NO.  
CG: I MEAN YES, I HATE YOU.  
CG: EVERY TIME I THINK YOU ARE THE BIGGEST PIECE OF SHIT POSSIBLE,  
CG: IT TURNS OUT GOD TOOK ANOTHER DUMP SO BIG EVEN HE COULDN'T FLUSH IT  
CG: AND ADDED IT TO THE JOHN EGBERT PILE  
CG: YOU ARE A SHIT SINGULARITY SET TO SWALLOW ALL OF PARADOX SPACE  
CG: AND I'M TRAPPED CIRCLING THE EVENT HORIZON TO THE LOAD GAPER OF YOUR EXISTENCE.  
EB: ew!  
CG: BUT IN THIS CASE YOU NEED TO SHUT THE HELL UP BECAUSE YOU ARE SHITHIVE MAGGOTS.  
CG: IN RETROSPECT, YOUR WEIRD INFATUATION WITH ME TROLLING YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN A WARNING THAT SOMETHING IS SERIOUSLY WRONG WITH YOU.  
CG: FUCK.  
EB: but i told you, bro! i'm not infatuated with you.  
EB: we're just buddies!  
CG: FUCK THAT.  
CG: AND FUCK YOU FOR TYPING THAT.  
CG: AND FUCK ME FOR NOT UNDERSTANDING THE DEFINITION OF EARTH HUMAN BUDDIES.  
CG: I GUESS I MISSED THE SMALL PRINT ON THE SHITTY EARTH HUMAN LABEL.  
CG: WARNING: HAVING EARTH HUMAN BUDDIES MAY LEAD TO YOUR OXYGEN PROCESSING SACKS EXPLODING FROM YOUR TORSO.  
CG: DO NOT USE IF YOU SUSPECT YOUR EARTH HUMAN BUDDY MAY FLIP OUT AND SPLATTER YOUR MUTANT COLOURED ORGAN MEATS ALL OVER THE ABANDONED LAB YOU'RE HIDING IN.  
EB: siiiiiigh.  
EB: yeah, i feel bad about how messy that was.  
EB: but i had to do it quick! if he escaped, it's really hard to predict what would have happened!  
CG: WHY WOULD YOU EVEN WANT TO KILL YOUR TIME PLAYER.  
CG: I DON'T GET IT.  
CG: PROBABLY BECAUSE I HAVEN'T GONE INSANE.  
CG: DID YOU THINK THE EXTRA CHANCES WOULD MAKE FACING DOWN AN OMNIPOTENT INDESTRUCTIBLE DEMON TOO BORING OR SOMETHING?  
EB: but we still have a time player. aradia!  
EB: and she's god tier- that's way higher than dave is.  
EB: ooops.  
EB: "was."  
EB: hehehe!  
CG: OH GOD OH GOD  
EB: sorry dude. this is why i wanted to talk to you later. it's kind of hard to explain!  
EB: but rose figured out why we can't enter the new universe jade made.  
EB: it's because the game is supposed be won by a single session.  
EB: we have all these players with the same powers, so it doesn't know what to make of us.  
EB: but once we only have one of each, we should finally be able to claim our prize!  
EB: it's going to be great!  
CG: BUT WHY TIME. WE'VE GOT OTHER DUPLICATES.  
CG: WHY NOT START WITH THE PSYCHO LIGHT BITCHES.  
CG: I NOTICE ROSE IS STILL IN THE FARTHEST RING DOING HER CREEPY GOTH THING, AND VRISKA  
CG: ...  
CG: JUST A MINUTE  
CG: I NEED TO  
CG: ...OH FUCK. SHE'S NOT ANSWERING.  
EB: yeaaaaaaaahhhhhhhh........  
CG: OH GOD.  
CG: I THOUGHT YOU LIKED HER. YOU WERE THE ONLY FUCKING ONE.  
CG: I THOUGHT YOU WERE BUGFUCK NUTS BECAUSE YOU LIKED HER.  
CG: HA HA HA HA HA  
CG: JOKE'S ON ME.  
CG: YOUR PRANKSTER'S GAMBIT MUST BE SHATTERING ITS METER.  
CG: PURPLE RECTANGLES CARVED FROM PUREST BULLSHIT FLYING EVERYWHERE.  
EB: hehehehe! yeah, it's pretty full right now.  
EB: anyway, i did like her!  
EB: but rose has more useful talents, even if she's not god tier.  
EB: we need a seer more than a thief,  
EB: and vriska was kind of untrustworthy, even when she tried not to be.  
EB: no offense!  
CG: WHAT THE HELL.  
CG: ARE YOU EVEN READING WHAT YOU'RE TYPING.  
CG: OR IS THAT A THING BATSHIT PSYCHO MURDERERS GET TO OPT OUT OF NOW.  
CG: WAIT.  
CG: "A SEER."  
CG: OH GOD  
CG: OH MAN  
EB: what?  
CG: JOHN.  
CG: I NEED TO  
CG: JUST TELL ME. ARE YOU CULLING OUR DUPLICATE CLASSES AS WELL AS ASPECTS?  
EB: hahaha! don't worry, bro, there's only one knight left in this game.  
EB: but no, rose didn't say anything about the classes.  
EB: i guess i will ask her later, when i tell her what i am up to!  
CG: OKAY.  
CG: THAT'S NOT ACTUALLY REASSURING.  
CG: BUT OKAY FOR NOW.  
CG: LET'S WAIT FOR ROSE TO COME BACK.  
CG: PRESS THE PAUSE BUTTON FOR THE KILLING RAMPAGE AND COME BACK TO IT LATER.  
CG: HAVE AN INTERMISSION  
CG: GIVE ME A CHANCE TO USE THE LOAD GAPER  
CG: AND GET A GRUBSAUCE REFILL  
CG: AND CURL UP IN THE CORNER  
CG: AND FLIP THE FUCK OUT SO BADLY I CAN'T EVEN COME UP WITH A SHITTY METAPHOR FOR IT.  
EB: oh, yeah, i can feel that you're hyperventilating a bit.  
EB: here! i can help you with that!  
CG: NO DON'T  
CG: DSF;LKHAS  
CG: ARRGHHH  
EB: wow, troll lungs sure are different from human ones.  
CG: WHAT ARE YOU DOING  
CG: STOP IT STOP IT STOP IT STOP IT  
CG: FUCK  
CG: PLEASE  
CG: STOP  
EB: are you feeling better yet, buddy?  
CG: IF I SAY YES WILL YOU STOP  
EB: of course! i was just getting a little concerned.  
EB: it would really suck if you passed out from lack of oxygen.  
EB: but don't worry, you've got the heir of breath looking out for you!  
EB: hehehehe!  
CG: OH GOD  
EB: anyway, i'm about three minutes from your room, so maybe we should continue this conversation in person?  
CG: YOU ARE?  
CG: FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK  
EB: well, yeah, karkat. we had plans to watch movies tonight.  
EB: i know you didn't forget, because you were messaging me all day about how shitty my movies always are!  
CG: RIGHT. UH.  
CG: YOU KNOW WHAT  
CG: SOMETHING CAME UP.  
CG: THERE'S AN EMERGENCY.  
CG: TONIGHT IS REALLY BAD FOR ME AFTER ALL.  
CG: CAN WE CANCEL?  
EB: i guess...  
EB: i just think it would be a bad idea!  
EB: i brought failure to launch, with matthew mcconaughey. i think you'll like this one!  
EB: and we need to talk about our space player.  
CG: OH FUCK KANAYA AND JADE.  
CG: WHICH ONE DID YOU  
CG: FUCK I CAN'T EVEN TYPE THIS.  
EB: yeah, that's what we need to talk about!  
EB: like, jade is really smart, and she's my best friend and sort of my sister.  
EB: but kanaya is an alien vampire, which is totally cool, and i guess she is also sort of your girlfriend?  
EB: and maybe rose's as well?  
EB: bluh, i still don't understand how your alien romance works.  
CG: I DON'T GIVE A RANCID HOOFBEAST ASSFUCK ABOUT OUR ALIEN ROMANCE RIGHT NOW.  
CG: AND THIS IS ME YOU'RE TALKING TO,  
CG: SO IT MUST REALLY NOT MATTER NUBGRINDING SQUAT.  
EB: whatever! i'm just saying i don't know enough about kanaya.  
EB: but you do, and you're pretty great friends with jade too.  
EB: so it's probably better if you decide between them!  
CG: OH GOD  
CG: I CAN'T FUCKING  
CG: OH GOD  
CG: MY BRAIN HAS JUST MELTED  
CG: IT'S POOLING IN MY AURICULAR SPONGE CLOTS  
CG: THE ROOM IS SPINNING  
CG: I GUESS BECAUSE IT'S ON THIS PIECE OF SHIT METEOR HA HA HA HA  
EB: um, are you alright? it feels like you're starting to hyperventilate again.  
CG: NO NO I'M FINE NO NO NO FUCK YOU FUCK NO  
EB: look, karkat, i'm not saying you need to tell me right now.  
EB: i know it's a big decision!  
EB: so we can watch failure to launch and then one of your weird troll movies that don't make any sense!  
EB: and we can talk about which one is better.  
EB: uh, out of jade and kanaya...  
EB: but i guess we can talk about the movies too!  
CG: NO. I CAN'T DO THIS.  
EB: sorry, but you kind of don't have a choice!  
CG: NO.  
EB: and i brought popcorn!  
CG: I HATE YOU.  
EB: suuuure you do, karkat.  
EB: oh man! when we get our new universe, we need to track down its version of matthew mcconaughey and enslave him!  
EB: force him to star in sooo many movies!  
EB: i can't wait!  
EB: this is going to be so awesome!!!

ectoBiologist [EB] ceased pestering  carcinoGeneticist [CG]


End file.
